Harry Potter: Revised
by crazy-lil-nae-nae
Summary: Just a short little ficlet. A humorous version on Harry Potter that will be continued at a later date. Enjoy! Slash RLSBSS JPLE. HumorParody


Charlie Curnutte sat on the couch waiting for the anxious parents of one Joey Green to leave on their dinner date.

"…and should anything happen, the emergency numbers are on the fridge. He has lunch at exactly 11:30, there is a list of what he is allowed to eat on the counter…"

Ruthie Green, needless to say, was a bit of a worrisome mother. At only 10 O'clock in the morning, with her oldest son, Johnny, out of the house and living on his own, her second oldest, Cane, at 17, out with some friends, and she and her husband Carl going out for the day, not expected to be back till late, this left her to baby-sit her youngest son, Joey, for the day.

"Do you have everything dear? Will you be alright till late tonight?" Ruthie asked, snapping her out of her musings.

"Of course, Mrs. Green, we'll be fine, and should anything happen, I know how to get in touch with you or your husbands father. Don't worry, we'll be just fine." She replied smiling, mentally trying to remember the instructions she dazed through.

"Alright, we'll leave you then. See you tonight!" the woman said as she walked out the door to join her husband in the car that he had been warming up for the past five minutes.

With the parents finally out of the house, she turned to look at her charge, who was sitting approximately 3 feet from the television playing Super Mario World on his Nintendo. 'This is going to be great,' she thought, 'he'll be playing games all day, I'll cook for him, make sure he doesn't die or destroy the house or something, and _I'll_ be able to finish my English paper!'

Several hours, a quick lunch, and a light dinner later found our heroin… err… Charlie, closing her Book with a grateful sigh. "Finished, finally," She murmured to herself. Looking out the window to the quickly darkening sky and the storm raging outside the walls of the house, she hoped nothing bad would happen while she was here, after all, she still had 3 more hours till the Green's got home, and the storm didn't look like it was going to let up anytime soon.

As if reading her thoughts, lightning struck, quickly followed by a bellow of thunder, and the power suddenly went out. 'Wonderful. Just wonderful. Someone upstairs must really like me, knew I should of knocked on wood,' she thought as she began to stumble to the kitchen, where she remembered seeing a flashlight, then to a frightened 8 year old in the living room.

"Joey," She called, trying to find the button on the flashlight, "I'm coming, stay calm!"

Nearly blinding herself, she let the single beam of light guide her to the child on the living room floor, blinking the spots out of her vision.

Launching himself at her once she was sitting next to him, Joey hugged her, shaking like a leaf and muttering to himself about all the bad things that could happen in the dark. She settled down for a long night.

Fifteen minutes later, she couldn't take hearing the child anymore. The things he was coming up with were starting to scare _her_ for Christ's sake. Steeling herself, she brainstormed, and came up with an idea to take both their minds off of the storm and the dark house.

"Joey," She interrupted him mid-sentence, "Have you ever read Harry Potter?" Staring up at her in confusion, the young child could only nod at her. Grinning, despite the situation, she quickly started to speak, "Well, how would you like to hear the _real_ story of Harry Potter?"

"I thought the books told the real story," The child stated with a puzzled look on his face.

"Nope, the story that you know has been altered, and you are lucky enough to be sitting with one of the only people who know the _true_ story, would you like to hear it?" She asked the child once again. After receiving a nod to continue, she started to weave her tale.

"Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, matter of fact, it's just across the pond, in England, there lived a man named James Potter. Now, James Potter wasn't your average Homo Sapien," smiling as the child gave a grunt of agreement, "he was, in fact, a Wizard."

"Chocolate or Vanilla flavored?" asked the child excitedly.

Giving him a weird, thoughtful look, she replied, "Lets say Cherry."

"Works for me."

"Ok, now, James Potter, who at the time in this prologue, was only 17 years old, and a bit of a bully."

"Bad James, no cookie." Inserted the child.

Grinning, despite herself, she continued, "He was, after all, a Gryophindorite, and we all know how Gryphindorite's hate Slytherensins, and, boy, did he hate one Slytherensin in particular, named Severus Snape."

"He had his friends, Sirius, who was a serious contender in the race for the title of Heir Apparent of the most noble and loyal-to-the-dark-side House of Black, Remus, who was in a bit of an abusive relationship with his other, darker side, who enjoyed taking over the body and wearing freshly skinned monkey hides on the full moon, and the slimy, no good rat we all know and love, Peter Pettigrew."

"These four, who were not-so-lovingly dubbed the Marauders for all their pranks, made it their mission in life to make dear Severus Snape's life miserable."

"They need to be spankded." Stated the child once again.

Ignoring him for now, she plowed on, "That is until one day, James met his match, Lilly Evans," leaning in to whisper to him, "and he will be spankded, don't worry."

"James was, one day, minding his own business, trying to de-pants our dear Severus Snape, when Lilly Potter stomped up and laid into the four bullies. She was yelling for what seemed like hours to our four Marauders, but was in fact only 15 minutes."

"Did they get kicked in the Hoo Haas?"

Grinning again, "That day, Jamsie fell in love with Lilly Evans, and if getting her to love him back meant swearing he and his friends of pranking for good, well the by Bob, he would do it. That thought was the only thing going through his mind as Lilly Evans began to kick them in the Hoo Haas."

"Yay, Lilly!"

"Now, around seven years later, we find out dear James Potter, reformed prankster, his new wife, Lilly Evans-Potter, their good friends, Remus Lupin, who was still trying to get control over his other, monkey-hide wearing, darker half, Peter Pettigrew, who was still a rat, Sirius Black, who was still in the running against his dear cousin for the title of Heir Apparent of the most noble and loyal-to-the-dark-side House of Black, and, what a surprise, Severus Snape, who, after our dear Jamsie swore off pranking for Lilly's love and actually apologized to Severus, who in turn, after months of confusion, finally relented and became friends with James, because he knew his best friend, Lilly was really in love with James, and if seeing her happy meant putting up with Potter and his gang, he decided he would do it."

"Now here they are, sitting around a dinner table in the Potter's house, with James and Lilly at the head of the table ready to make an announcement. 'Friends! Romans! Countrymen! Lend me your kitchen shears! Ouch, Lilly, was that really necessary? Don't give me that look. Oh, fine, I'll do it right. Friends, I have an announcement to make. You five are going to all be uncles in about 6 ½ months. That is all.' And leaning in to Lilly's ear, he then whispered, 'Wait for it, wait for it… here we go… right about… now.' Immediately followed by Sirius and his bisexual gay-like lovers Remus and Severus congratulating him, and Peter fainting."

"6.2 Months later find our dear cast at St. Mungos Hospital for the Perpetually Late on the sixth floor maternity ward, waiting for the good news, and the decision on whether they all had to re-paint the baby's room pink if, in fact, the baby was a girl, because Lilly wanted it to be a surprise."

"Soon, James came out of the door, 'Guy's,' he said getting the attention of his friends, 'we won't have to do any painting.' And with a grin, he fainted right on the floor of the waiting room."

"Because it was a deformed gnome baby?" Joey asked.

Holding in her laughter, she replied, "No, because it was a baby boy."

"Oh, bummer."

"Yes, it was. Now back to the story, one year later, our dear friends, minus one Peter Pettigrew, are having dinner at James and Lilly's safe house, courtesy on one Albus Dumbledore. 'Hey, Lilly! Look at what Harry's doing! Awwww, never mind, you missed it.' James said as he and the others were gathered around Harry's crib. Lilly, in the kitchen doing dishes, said, 'Not likely, he's been doing the same thing all night long…'"

"Peter, bursting into the house and holding them at wand-point, cut her off. He then proceeded to _Obliviate_ Severus, feeding him memories of only James Potter being a bully right up to his death, erasing all memories of his relationship with Remus and Sirius, and port-key him back to his already cleaned-of-evidence home in Hogwarts School of Sheep shearing, witchcraft, wizardry, and mountain oysters."

"He, then proceeded to _obliviate_ Sirius and Remus, making them think that they still hated our dear Severus and masked all memories of their friendship and relationship with him. Turning to James and Lilly, he did the same and _Appearated _out of Dodge, right before the door was blown down by the Dark Lord, Voldemort."

"Lilly, after seeing the door blow, hauled her bottom up the stairs with Harry and started to look for a way out of the house. _Avada Kedavera_ followed by a dull think was heard downstairs, 'James, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!' she screamed, giving away her position in the house. Hearing 'ole Voldie make his way upstairs, she laid Harry down in his crib and started chanting an ancient spell known only to her race, for you see, Lilly wasn't exactly Human. She was Half Vampire! Dun Dun Dun!"

"Ooooooh, Kinky."

"Yes, Kinky, now back to the story. She finished chanting the spell at the exact moment that Voldie, following in the footsteps of his mentor, the Big Bad Wolf, blew the door down, once again. 'Move aside, Mudblood,' he said. 'Never,' she responded, so, '_Avada Kedavera!'_ was the result, and she died with a smile on her face."

"And then baby Harry magically nut-checked Voldie?" Ever the curious minds of youngsters.

"Turning to the child in the crib, Voldie tried his trick, once again, '_Avada Kedavera' _and the spell missed entirely, hitting the crib instead of the baby because Voldie forgot to put in his contact lenses in that morning. Harry then proceeded to magically nut-check Voldie. Voldie, in his pain, shouted the spell again, this time hitting baby Harry in the forehead. The spellsomehow bounced back, and cast Voldie out of his body, all because Lilly wasn't Human and the spell she chanted acted as a barrier."

"Bye bye, Moldy-Nuts."

"Ok, about 2 hours later finds our new Hero, baby Harry, being left by a sad faced Albus Dumbledore, at the steppes of his Aunt and Uncles house #4 Privet drive, Little Whining, Surry, UK, World, you get the point. Anyways, back to the story. Little did Dumbledore know, Lilly's not-so-human relatives have decided to come and pick up baby Harry themselves, to train him before he goes to Hogwarts School of Sheep Shearing, Witchcraft, Wizardry, and Mountain Oysters."

"Whoa, wait a minute, 'Ole Harry Potters 'quarter Vampire?"

"Yes, yes he is. So, his full vamp relatives pick him up, promising to train him themselves. They do a ritual to make him full vamp, thereby, somehow in the ritual, changing his blood so his real parents aren't James and Lilly Potter, they are... Ummm…"

"George W. and Hillary?"

"No, they may not be human, but they aren't Vampires. Besides, they aren't British."

"Oh… Mr. Bean and Princess Di?"

Thought coming to mind, "Lord of the western vampires Bobby D. Frasier and his life-mated lover Prince William. Willie-boy is a Vampire to, his full name being Prince William Arthur Philip Louis Frasier."

"Mr. Bean, now a vampire as well, and his wife, who is alsoWillie's mother, Princess Di, who didn't die and wasalso vampire, were hired on as nannies, and Harry grew up learning fighting, politics, love, and other things essential to Vampire royalty of thegrowing up vairety."

Lights finally coming back on, she sighed in relief, "So ends part one, or the prologue, or the prelude, or whatever you want to call it."

"Next time we do this, can we learn that Hagrid is really a set of midgets in costume?"

Grinning at her charge, she ruffled his hair and replied, "Sure, why not."


End file.
